“Hey Dan you seem rather, I don’t know, melancholy.”
“Oh it’s just Valentine’s Day.”
“Just the first time—”
“I understand, we can’t help feeling loss.”
“-the love of my life.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Sixty inches of pure beauty.”
“That’s her height?”
“Her? I’m talking about my flat screen.”
I was visiting my parents recently and my mom would switch the volume off when a commercial would come on because they kept running the same campaign ads. And it got me thinking—what if the remote didn’t just control the television but the content on the television?
How great would it be if you could point and click and the candidate would tell you what they’re really going to do when elected? How about all those advertisements for medication, what if you controlled the truth about whether they’re really going to work or if you’re just going to get a side effect and which one of the dozens? And how about if you could just quiet down the people who are talking who know they’re full of sh*t?
Imagine how much greater a sports fan’s life would be if he could press a button and he would be the coach instead of just yelling his thoughts at the TV? What would it be like to actually whisper in to the ear of the bachelor or bachelorette and tell them which one is a douchebag that they’re not seeing? And what if a button named “rotate” made you the winner of the lottery instead of the person that claims they’re just going to pay their bills? You’d have way more fun with the money.
Most kids think that there’s real little people in the television when they first see it, or at least us naiver generations did, and now we’d be able to be one of those people. We’d get a joke in, we’d decide if we wanted to hear better news, we’d make sure the Cubs finally won a pennant.
Life would be so much better—until you forgot where you put the remote.
I saw a story that Rocky is being turned into a musical. With that and Spiderman, I decided to come up with some titles of my own from television and film.
1. “Bullwinkle: The Musical”
Imagine what Julie Taymor, the creator of the Lion King on Broadway could do with a moose and squirrel. I can only wait breathlessly for the diving into the bucket scene.
Hit Song: “Fan Mail from some Flounder”
2. “All in the Family”
I haven’t seen it, but I understand political incorrectness is alive and well and who better to bring back then Archie Bunker. I”m sure in the last thirty years, he’ll have a lot to say.
Hit Song: Need I say it? “Those Were The Days”
3. “Perfect Strangers”
Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick teamed up again! But who would play who? All I know is the Dance of Joy with those two guys on stage would bring down the house every night.
Hit Song: “Don’t Be Ridiculous”
4. “The Drew Carey Show”
The Drew Carey Show actually had a number of musical-style productions during their run so it’s really a natural. Question is, can Drew Carey leave the cush job at the Price is Right or will someone have to play him?
Hit Song: “Cleveland Rocks”
5. “Silence of the Lambs”
Hey Phantom of the Opera did it, why can’t Andrew Lloyd Weder turn this frightening tale into a full blown musical? The success of Les Miserables proves that people love a depressing, sad story and although a dark horse, could be the hit of 2014.
Hit Song: “Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.”
How wonderful would it be to live in the world of television? I don’t mean in the world of programmed television, because that’s full of ridiculous un-reality and silly sexual innuendos. I mean the world of commercials.
In that world you buy the right clothes and you smile bigger than you’ve ever smiled. You break into strides befitting a dancer, which only makes sense because you are soon joined by other dancers on the absolutely spotless street right outside the store to swing your bags and boogie to a song from the 70s.
In the world of commercials children suddenly become polite and say thank you to their mother who has just heated up the contents of soup from a can.
In the world of commercials a little pill can change your marriage, your life and the lighting in your house as everything becomes brighter.
A guy can dream. Of a happy life without the worries of medicinal side effects, credit card debt or the toxins in the intestines. I remember, briefly, as a child, I though the people in the TV were very real. It was a very brief phase because I was a brilliant child, but I long for that innocence. Perhaps I will dream of that tonight. Now where did I put that Ambien?