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“You know what Sal?”
“I think I know what you’re going to say.”
“At least we can take comfort, that in our passing, a whole lot of humans are really sick today because they ate too much.”
“That’s not what you thought I was going to say?”
“No, I thought you were going to say these wings are just as useless as our normal ones.”
<screech> “Is this on?”
“This Thursday, millions of my brethren will have sacrificed their life. For what? An America that is already plenty fattened up will become fatter.
I do not speak to you today to make you feel guilty, no, I come here in the spirit of the holiday. It is not for me to judge whether eating us is a good thing, although I’ve got some really ugly friends and I don’t see the allure, but you all look pretty funny to me as well. I’ll stick to my corn. They’re cute.
But I do want respect for my kind! It is time that you humans, the civilized, revere the role we play! With the development of capitalism and material pursuits the race to Black Friday and shopping has eclipsed the importance of sitting down and cherish the meal and the time spent with family. And we do look beautiful when we come out of the oven!! Even I cannot deny how much better we look with a tan.
Again, I am not here to tell you that eating us is bad or good. I am thankful that you’ll listen. Bob-cats eat us and have you ever tried talking to a group of bob-cats? But I do invite you to re-examine the entire tradition. Was it really a celebration when the Pilgrims and the Indians got together like you might have learned in school? If anything, the Indians sat at the kid’s table. And how many of you learned they were called Indians when in fact, people called them that because they thought they were in India?*
So, you know, maybe you re-think the whole thing next year. I hear Tofurkey, you can’t taste the difference. Cluck Out!”
*This blog was inspired by whom I consider the best comedian working today, Louis CK. This is the clip.