I had planned on writing this morning about how California is a tease, that there are not the bikini clad, boobs a bouncin’ in slow motion, that we came to know on such stellar television programming as Baywatch, or any movie or TV show for that matter that showed the California coast or the often used Venice boardwalk where you would always see blondes in short-shorts and roller blades. I was going to warn the young men of this country to keep that bus ticket and stay in Paducah, it’s all a myth and the amount of over-weight women vs thin women I’ve seen in my 2 1/2 years here have been 4, 278 to 1 (I counted.)
But then they sent in a ringer! The California Tourism Board, like the FBI and Target, must be mining blogs like mine that reach over 38 people and swooped in to stop any attempt at tarnish. They sent the absolute most flawless woman to get a snack at the same time I was getting coffee. I have no idea if absolute most flawless woman is grammatically correct because I just start thinking about what she looked like and my brain goes “but-a boo-blist”, which is what I would have said to her if my mouth would have opened. She was wearing an engagement ring, something I can spot approximately 3/4 of a mile away, so I didn’t say anything, but, and I’m sorry to objectify, but I could not stop staring. But she was being paid so it was part of the job. Of course I’m a clever man, being a sleight-of-hand artist, so she had no idea that my eyes could not stop the walk up the most amazing, unblemished, free of any cellulite legs wrapped in disgustingly snug shorts. And I say disgusting because we can not be helped! How can you wear that at 7:30am and expect any male to be able to assemble any thought of decency, especially if you top it off with a very thin tank top and big boobs with those little things in the middle saying “howdy.” You dare to wear a top like that when it’s in the 70s and you step into air conditioning and you can take your “hey, I’m up here” and well, again, we can’t be helped! We don’t try to be disgusting, we just have no control. Of course in this woman’s case, , beautiful eyes, her face was absolutely gorgeous, not a pimple had ever even tried to plant itself on those cheeks and hair pulled back in a ponytail. Of course, it was blonde.
So the Tourism Board has won. I can’t think of anything but great looking women in California now. I thought for a second, okay fourteen, that maybe those breasts weren’t real. I tried to find out by reaching for cream and sugar which I do not use, but nary an arm hair made contact. I actually don’t think they were fake. I think those Tourist guys are on the top of their game. They searched through my past, found anything I’ve ever mentioned about the type of woman I like and found the perfect height, perfect toned body, perfect outfit and paid the woman big bucks for me not to spread any bad publicity to my tens of readers. You’ve won this round California. I’m headed to the beach.