The Asics World Something or Other rolled into Long Beach this weekend and two thoughts come to mind:

“Woo hoo, butts!”

“I don’t get it.”

Let’s take the latter first. Being a height-challenged individual, I tend to not understand sports like volleyball and basketball. Those were the kind that I slowly got worse as everyone else in junior high and high school kept growing, and considering my already chubby, slow state, I just lost interest. I also think that you have to live near or on the beach to fully immerse yourself in volleyball, I don’t think it’s as fun in a gym, the whistles are louder. But that’s not to say that I don’t appreciate it, I think that volleyball and basketball players are some of the finest-conditioned athletes and their movements are both graceful and amazing.

Here’s what I learned about volleyball this weekend:

  • Announcers love to say “Long Beach make some noise.” They do it a lot.
  • The balls themselves must be valuable cause if one goes flying into the crowd, they want it back. Not like baseball when a player can even throw one into the stands.
  • You can’t look away, stuff happens really quick. Not good for the short attention span individuals like me
  • Coconut water is really good. They were giving away tons of it. I always loved the smell of coconut but never the taste, but that was usually in its shaved state. This was good and they had mango and passion fruit tinged ones as well. Oh and the women giving them away were sooooo cute.
  • They make hand signals to each other. I don’t know what they are, but they forced me to look at their butts. It’s not my fault!

Which brings me to my first thought: butts. Volleyball players have amazing butts. I’m talking about the women here, you would have to ask someone else about the men. But there is a difference in that the men wear long shorts and the women wear these incredibly small thong-style bikinis so I just assume it’s an invitation to look. If not, it seems to me to be the same hypocritical notion as a woman who says “my eyes are up here” that’s wearing a very low cut top and has ample bosooms. “Then why are you wearing that” is always my question.*


The great thing about women volleyball players is that they’re very tall. So I’m not intimidated by them. I could fully flirt with them because I know there’s no chance. I just picture them patting me or kissing me on my bald head and then lifting me up by my arm pits and saying “who’s so cute? you’re so cute,” and then rubbing noses.

It was fun. The crowd was fun and there were a lot more women in bikinis my size that I didn’t get up the nerve to talk to. I believe when one of the women handing out coconut water, who had the most amazing legs and smile, asked if I wanted one I said “Betheopppppusus” and then she just handed it to me.

*This is a comedy blog-I’m very respectful.


Olympics Bring out the Nasty

Olympic Rings


The Olympics bring out both the fitness enthusiast and the patriot in me every four years. But it also brings out the nasty in me;  that of my lust for the female gymnasts and divers.

Now one might say, especially if one were male and called themselves “one”, “dude, what about the beach volleyball players, they’re wearing the skimpiest of bikinis and there’s always great shots of their butts when they’re bent over waiting for a serve?”  I would respond by saying, “don’t call me dude.”

Also, the simple fact is, they’re taller than me. At 5’7″ and most of them being closer to six feet, I just never want a woman who can pat me on the top of the head. And no matter how gorgeous a taller woman can be, my interest just never develops. I have had guys punch me and point at a girl, the universal symbol since caveman days, to check her out. I turn, survey her height, then turn right back. Nothing, not a single synapse of lust fires in my brain. Because no matter how unattainable a woman is because of celebrity or wealth, I find it a waste of time to fantasize about anyone taller; I just wouldn’t want it anyways.


And so that brings us to the opposite: the female gymnast. They hardly ever pass 5’4″, so even if they wore heels, we’re good. And they have my two favorite features: great legs and great butts. And they can do all kinds of bendy and flexible things that make me say huherssooooyeeeeh. Plus they almost always have ponytails and I totally dig ponytails. (As opposed to my disdain for pigtails in anyone over the age of twelve.)

Which brings me to the major problem. Every four years I get older and further away from these gorgeous young women. Well, girls for the most part. So my nasty thoughts are truly confined to just a quick “wow”, I promise, and I am not sitting in my sweatpants making lewd comments at the TV in the voice of Bill Murray from Caddyshack. I don’t own a TV.


In a close second are the divers. They still have amazing bodies and they can quite often have the flexibility and strength of the gymnasts, as well as the legs; and they look really great wet. They’re also often older, so even though they’re still far too young for me I don’t worry so much about having a morsel of a dirty thought before I discover their age.

The only reason the gymnasts win out is that I did, and still do, some gymnastics and I love the sport. I did dive off the ten meter platform as a kid but now I would totally get vertigo.

All the athletes are beautiful, dedicated, courageous and strong individuals and I wish them all the best in their pursuit of their dream for Olympic gold.