Mummies are NOT Gay

egypt_mummy

Ladies and gentleman, I apologize to you, my readers, and in particular to those I have offended. I have strived not to insult anyone in my writing, it’s just not my style and has been a conscious choice. Many years ago when I began in comedy and worked in clubs filled with adults and alcohol, I could have gone the way of the bitter, insult comic. It’s easy, and in our society that is ridden with politicians that show their Weiner and the craziness of what the media finds to be news, it is highly relatable to complain and voice your frustration. But that’s just not the way I want to go, I like to find the funny and find the positive, or at least just try to make you think instead of offending anyone.

So it is with a heavy heart that I issue my first retraction of a blog, published just yesterday on August 19, 2013. I was uninformed, thought something was funny and I deeply apologize if I hurt someone’s feelings or those close to them. Mummies are, in fact, not gay. I assure you that I am not homophobic and I merely thought it was just a silly passing thought.

But I was set straight by a troupe of mummies last night. They barged into my place all “unnghhhh,” “unngghhhh,” for about fifteen minutes until I could finally get them to shut up and speak English. So, it seems that the mummy movies were really hard to make because they had to wrap them up because people expected them to be that way, which didn’t leave a lot in the way of action or even facial expressions. The Wolfman jumped around like a crazy person and Dracula had the whole eye thing. So they figured the Mummy had to attack the men because the men were either old slow dudes or they were sure they could beat the mummy so they didn’t run screaming like the young ingenue might. So that righted my mistake in thinking. Then they said that really it was only the Egyptian princes that went for the make-up and that was just because they were princes and bored and so they used to let their young nieces paint their faces. They went along with it thinking that if they should die at any moment, because the life expectancy was really short back then, at least maybe they wouldn’t scare the bejeezus out of someone who might unwrap them.

There you have it, my mind has been set straight and once again I apologize to mummies everywhere.

Now Zombies, they have to be at least bi, because they’ll eat anything.

The Taking of Brain Cells 1-2-3

brains

Are Zombies sucking our brains out through a straw while we sleep?

Because we seem to be missing some basics lately like common sense, spatial awareness and basic logic.  Let me give you some examples.

Yesterday I went to a convenience store to purchase a slice of pizza from their deli counter. Now this is not about the time they cook it, that’s an entire subject in itself. Any establishment that has a sign on their window saying “your pizza will be ready in 3 minutes” really doesn’t qualify as an eatery. This is after a “convenience” store and it’s all about speed and maybe some people like that mushy dough taste. Being half-Italian, I know that I can pre-heat my oven before I walk over and bring the slice back to crisp it up. They’re only a $1, so I go with it. But it was the actual service that gave me pause. I was the only one in the store when I walked in. The cashier got my slices and by the time she walked to the register two women had walked in and were waiting to pay for gas. She held up the box for me and said “they’re right here” and then proceeded to ask “who’s next?”

I am!

But no, she took the women who were standing there first. Now granted the one that was standing there had a lot of plastic surgery and so the cashier might have been afraid. Maybe she knows that her brains are being sucked out. Maybe she’s a Zombie fighter who is just still working on her martial arts training and can’t strike yet.

The second instance also involves food. At my local grocery store the deli counter had a special on grilled cheese paninis with chips and a drink for $5, and the sign looked very inviting. I had been jonesing for a grilled cheese, was hungry, and this was going to be great. Now like the cashier at the convenience store, the woman serving me was very pleasant and seemed to be very conscientious, buttering the bread and carefully layering the 3 cheeses.

But when I got home there were three thin brown marks and the rest of the bread was basically un-toasted. She’d been Zombized.

The last example I’ve brought up before, the spending that took place prior to the Presidential election and the inauguration. If these officials and corporate sponsors had not had parts of their brains sucked out by Zombies then they would recognize how much impact that money could have had on education and fighting obesity in our children. But they’re just not aware that the Zombies are fattening them up because they’re eventually going to eat all of them. After all the kid’s brains don’t have a lot going for them with all the cuts in the public school system. Plus the Zombies need the energy for all their late night raids with their straws.

Zombies have become really popular around Halloween and more. When I was a kid it was just the basic black and white movies of Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolfman. But today there’s Zombies. And maybe they’re real. After all you can’t blame the minimum wage worker or the politician. They’re all well-meaning and efficient.

It must be the Zombies.