A Simpler Time

I long for a simpler time and by simpler I mean the 80s. I had great hair, and even though it was a mullet in the back it was so nice and fluffy on top I could have done a handstand and dusted.

My favorite ensem was a black and white striped shirt with black parachute pants. The shirt was skin tight but I was a gymnastics teacher than so it worked. Actually I could still fit into both of those but thankfully they’re not around. I would dance FEROCIOUSLY to Michael Jackson and one one of his hits was played every fifteen minutes at the clubs, so there were plenty of chances. The dance teacher at the gym had taught us the moves so I felt like I was in the video when I was out on the floor spinning. We were the coolest white guys on the north side of Chicago.

I was horribly inept at flirting with girls but luckily i met a great one in the adult gymnastics class and she looked AMAZING in a leotard. Her name is Trish and we were blissfully in love for five years. We made out everywhere and were told “you can’t do that in the post office.” We could be happy just spooning and watching Cheers, Family Ties and whatever the rest of the Thursday night line-up was. I hope she’s happy.

Cell phones were the size of your thigh and all they did was call someone. So you had to ask for directions, go to a restaurant someone recommended to you, and get together with people instead of simply connecting on Facebook. And you wanted to. And you talked.

You talked in restaurants, you talked at parties, and you talked on car trips—or maybe you just sat in silence. Remember silence. I remember when the occasional drunk couple would have a fight on the street but now you’re constantly barraged by people fighting on speaker phones.

I miss seeing people talking and laughing and being respectful to others, not ignoring them on their phone. I can’t help but feel a lot of people are missing out on so much life by staring at a screen.  Instead of dancing to Michael Jackson.

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I’ve Got It!

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Do you know how it feels when you figure something out? Something that presents a solution to a problem that affects you nearly every day? A problem that you don’t think you can change, one where you don’t want to accept that that’s just the way it is, you can’t change people, you can only change the way you think about something?

Well I did that tonight. And it’s called The Periscope App.

Basically this application for the iPhone, Galaxy 4 and every other smart phone, would install a picture in picture where the phone would work like a periscope so that people who are walking or driving or biking and don’t look up but just continue to look at their phones, why, they’ll see the people that are in front of them!

How cool is that?

It’s going to take some slight design modifications on the phone but I’m pretty sure the government will subsidize it. Because the statistics are growing in the number of accidents and fatalities on our roadways because of texting and we know the government always steps in and saves people from having to think or make any changes within themselves.

Man, this is going to be great for everyone. Younger people can never look another human being in the eyes again and  older folks will be able to stop wanting to beat the sh*t out of those not paying attention. Everyone will be calmer, happier, and not have to talk to each other. What a beautiful world it will be.

Cellular Ban Under Consideration!

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The Big Three telephone cellular networks are in talks to impose considerable bans on the use of cellular phones out of the home. In effect, these bans would immediately disconnect the user when engaging in usage that is deemed “unnecessary, intrusive and ridiculous.”

Under this voluntary agreement, the networks would enforce these new guidelines based on their belief that current customers are straining too far from the original developer’s intentions. Under the proposed ban, the customer would be immediately disconnected when they:

  • walked right in front of someone while talking and couldn’t take a moment to say “excuse me.”
  • used profanity repeatedly before 9:00 in the morning while relating last night’s incidents to the person that couldn’t make it.
  • stopped right in the middle of the street, blocking other people’s movement, to say “i did not. what? what are you trying to say?” or other things that could wait until they got home.
  • exceeded the normal decibel level of speech if the person was right next to them.
  • played music through the speaker instead of the earphones in direct conflict with the Boombox Repeal Act of 1996.
  • did not pay attention to their children.

If deemed unanimous amongst the companies, these regulations would be brought up before Congress, which they concede is an uphill battle. Unless they turned off their phones so they’d listen.

A Conversation Between Angels XVII

“I found one.”

“One what?”

“A cell phone.”

“Oh no you’re not.”

“I just want to call my kids and let ‘me know I’m alright. With the crash I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“You can’t. We’re not supposed to communicate direct.”

“Look I’ll just call one; the good one that didn’t always let my calls go to voicemail.”

“Oh man-”

“Just keep an eye out for God and his goody two shoe minions.”

“Hey I’m not-”

“Just watch.”

“Fine.”

“Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn.”

“What?!”

“No signal.”

If I Were Mean…

Jack Russell Terror Snarling

Jack Russell Terrier Snarling — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

I would stop every obese person walking into a restaurant and tell them to order a salad.

I would give every teenage boy who wears their pants too low a huge wedgie.

I would trip every guy who wore his gym shoes untied, just so he’d tie them. Especially anyone over the age of twelve.

I would take all the video games away from the baby mamas on the train and give them to their children where they belong.

I would flip off all the guys that gel their hair and make it look like it’s flipping me off, cause they’re being mean because I’m bald and can’t do that.

I would walk around the campuses of Harvard and Oxford and talk to myself out loud, ending each sentence with a preposition.

I would pretend someone was calling me and then talk really loud on my cell phone inches away from the face of the person that was doing it already.

I would poop on the shoes of the people that don’t pick up their dog’s waste.

I would stop every woman who was about to buy make-up and tell them they look more beautiful without it.

Ah, there’s the problem. I’m not mean, just think that way sometimes. I could do none of the above, although I’m going to build up the guts to do the last one.

A Conversation Between Angels 3

“God’s kind of old.”

“I know. I figured people that were around forever got to pick their age. What’s with the long hair and the beard, I mean he looks like Jesus.”

“How about that omni-presents thing?”

“That/ is/ annoying! Hello. I’m trying to make my pearly whites look like the pearly gates and he’s all perving on me, staring at me in the mirror asking me if I’ve like atoned for my sins and stuff.”

“Totally. These gowns are so not flattering.”

“I know, does everyone have to wear white? I mean come on, it’s like Summer, can’t we have some color.”

“Yeah. I wish I was alive still, I want a Frappucino.”

“Oh My God, why’d you have to say that?  They have no Starbuck’s here and that’s just so wrong.”

“I’m gonna tweet that.”

“Um, don’t you remember, they like took away our phones.”

“Oh right. This place blows.”